Empathy vs Judgement

How well do any of us know someone else’s story?

Empathy (def): the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another

How well do any of us know someone else’s story? I know I, for one, tend to gloss over the difficulties in my life (and there have been some doozies!) and try to find some (often self deprecating) humor when I tell a personal story. Sometimes this is wise and appropriate. Sometimes not.

I had an experience recently where someone decided to judge me. It was a circuitous series of jabs, commenting on a series of things like with my my wine choice, my work ethic vs a lazy retirement, and more. At the core of each critique was a perceived difference in social status. I was up on a pedestal, and not in a good way.

I shifted the conversation elsewhere.

In all fairness, this person didn’t have the information needed to be sensitive to my story. But neither did they ask. Instead, it was straight to judgement.

Our judgements always reflect our own insecurities. Think about it for a moment. When you judge someone (and we all do) you’re really saying something about yourself. Perhaps you feel not good enough, so you want to take someone down a notch. Perhaps you feel challenged and that feeling is uncomfortable so you withdraw. Perhaps you are envious. It’s so easy to fall into these traps in our materialistic, hierarchical, credential driven world.

Now think about this: Judgement can’t exist where there is empathy.

With empathy, there is a meeting of the heart. With judgment there is a distancing of the mind.

What if the tendency we all have to judge were shifted to curiosity instead? Could curiosity unearth the facts and feelings needed to find empathy?

As we get older and our stories richer and more complex, it’s hard to get a grasp on a person’s journey. It’s hard to go back into someone’s past and share empathy for a place and time when you weren’t present. But I would also argue that it’s totally doable because it’s about understanding the emotion of the event. It’s the shared emotion that binds us and creates empathy, connection and care.

If you would, play with this a bit in the upcoming weeks. Be curious about others. Lead with kindness and a desire to understand. I’d love to hear about your experiences.