Deconstructing Your Comfort Zone

Could a simple word change your life?

Something’s off. You can feel it. But you can’t quite put your finger on it. Change is in the air but you don’t know what that means. You’d really prefer to just maintain the status quo. But the status quo isn’t working anymore.

So, you double down into your routines, maybe sleeping a bit longer, eating more carbs and sugars, or perhaps you drink that extra glass of wine. You pass on a chance to go out. It’s a downward spiral, and you know it, but you don’t know how to extricate yourself.

A friend recently came to me with this dilemma. I looked at my own life for answers and I came up with 4 steps that gave me insight into my own process of dealing with a new place, the need to meet new people, and generally getting out of my comfort zone to make it all happen. See if any of this rings true for you.

Get a pen and paper and write down your answers to the following. My answers are in italics

1. Name your go-to time sinks.

Sleeping a bit more? Time going down rabbit holes on the internet? Watching TV? Opting for salty or sweet foods? Write down your preferred way of not coping.

In moving to Idaho, I was faced with having to reconstruct a life (yet again).

My time sinks are:

-Sleeping late: Idaho is far north and as a result, the sunrise is much later than in the desert Southwest. This totally threw off my internal equilibrium.

-Spending too much computer time reading in the morning

-Spending too much computer time on “Bump”

-Strong preference for staying home in the evening

2. How do you feel? (Update and expand your emotional vocabulary to better understand what you’re feeling: https://www.ndapandas.org/wp-content/uploads/archive/Documents/News/FeelingsWordList.pdf

https://rth24blog.wordpress.com/2020/10/19/emotional-vocabulary/

In dealing with my emotions, I am also dealing with the hangover of everything that didn’t work for me in AZ. In AZ I was isolated, felt abandoned and betrayed by people I thought were friends. At least 90% of Prescott is married. I found myself excluded and bored to death in a very married town. I attended 54 Meet Ups to no avail. Something obviously wasn’t working.

I would literally go days without having any in person human interaction. Except of course for the checkout guy at Trader Joe’s who always asked me if I found everything I came in for. I dutifully replied that I did. That was about the extent of my social life.

My emotions over AZ: isolated, betrayed, unhappy

My emotions in Idaho: hopeful, happy, curious

3. What are your personal needs that aren’t being met?

List them under the categories of:

Mind

Body

Social

Spiritual

Purpose

Thanks (ironically) to 6 years of cancer, I have a rich spiritual and mental health practice. And thanks to Bump, I have purpose. (Check off Mind, Spiritual, Purpose)

That leaves Body and Social.

My diet (Body) is set. I eat as organic as possible, real food and a low glycemic diet. Nothing to change here.

My number one personal need (Social, Body) is to build a diverse and interesting local social network. Ideally this can overlap with my need for more exercise and better general fitness. Think hiking, kayaking, pickleball.

4. How do you like to create?

Do you like to imagine? Think writing, acting, painting and other arts.

Do you like to use your hands to create or build something tangible? (woodworking, pottery, making jewelry, gardening)

Do you like to use your body and be in movement? (Think dance, gym, sports, walking, hiking)

Do you like experiential activities? (such as food, wine, outdoor activities)

Do you like to work solo or with a group? Or a bit of each.

I tend to be drawn to intangible, experiential and movement-oriented activities. I like to write and I’m very visual which translates into an interest in photography and general beauty. I tend to prefer to do many things alone. While I have good social skills and enjoy people, I am definitely an introvert at heart I happily recharge in solitude.

Here are the solutions I’m working on to break out of my (introvert) comfort zone:

I set the alarm and I get up early, long before the sun is up. I can’t control the sunrise. I can control myself. This gets rid of my sleeping in time sink.

I’ve limited my morning computer reading to an hour and I have tasked myself with saying “yes” to nearly every new activity of interest. That means going out evenings (which I normally don’t enjoy much).

Just saying “yes”, I dove into the following activities: pickleball, aviation groups, photography groups, food and activities via Meet Up, with some surprising results.

On the aviation front, I joined the 99s (a women’s aviation group) and a local social group of pilots that meet Saturday mornings. I found that while I will always love all things aviation, I am no longer flying. And nearly everyone flies powered, fixed wing aircraft. My love of flying is in soaring: i.e. high-performance gliders.

The mindset of a cross-country glider pilot is diametrically opposite that of a power pilot. Power pilots seek control through precision. Hold that heading; hold that altitude. It bores me to tears.

Glider pilots seek and ride the erratic power of the sky to harness the energy needed to fly sometimes daring long or high altitude flights. We love rough air: it offers energy and possibility (think of that as a very powerful metaphor). Power pilots do not relate to this perspective.

So, while powered aviation doesn’t really resonate with me, I met some great people, made new friends and have been invited to a number of wonderful events. All in all, a win if not a home run. And I learned that I need to put my energy elsewhere. My flying days are over.

On the photography front, success! I joined a camera club and am connecting with other photographers. I’m planning numerous forays this spring to explore Idaho and improve my photography. I’m even attending an aerial photography lecture this week (in the evening!).

I’ve done some great food and wine events which have expanded my awareness of the area. There is a good food scene in the Boise area, and lots of wineries. An experiential (one of my preferred styles of interacting) class-Deconstructing Bordeaux Varietals- is coming up, as is a class on coffee. New friends are slowly coming out of these events too. And I’m getting to know different areas of the valley as I attend different functions.

Idaho is full of lakes and rivers and there are numerous kayaking groups. This, along with hiking, is on my spring agenda for more activity. It also satisfies my strong visual attraction to beauty.

Pickleball is plus/minus so far, although I’m working on it. The good news is that scheduling activities like pickleball means that I must get up from the computer and get out. Other people are depending on me.

The not so good news: I played USTA tennis for years and have good hand to eye coordination. But my body doesn’t move like it used to. (Six years of cancer, 2 hip replacements and age)

I started off playing with a fairly competitive group of women 10-15 years younger than me. I lost, but 11-8 or so. Not totally horrifying considering I hadn’t set foot on any type of court for about a decade. But they suggested I play with the “old people” and booted me out of their group.

Ouch!

But the experience made me take a new look at things. I’ve always engaged in competitive activities. What if I could dial it back a notch and just play for fun? (This is a new concept for me). So, my goal has been adjusted. Pickleball meets a lot of my criteria for socialization and movement. It’s fun and there are a TON of pickleball players and courts in the area. I will work on getting into a regular group, just for fun.

Walking isn’t dependent on other people’s schedules, so I’ve added a 4 mile Nordic walk into list of possible activities. I can control the time of the walk and it guarantees that my body gets moving. But it’s a solo activity. I LOVE walking, but I still need to push myself to do more social things.

I’ll probably struggle with the activity side of the equation for a while yet while I build connections that match my (in)abilities. In all fairness, all my forays have not all been great (like the time a group left me behind, lost somewhere downtown near the river, on an electric bike). But I picked myself up, somehow found my way back to the ebike rental place, and just said yes to the next opportunity. I see exploring a new place as an adventure, with all its ups and downs, and that framing keeps me motivated.

Just saying yes is getting easier with every passing week. It’s a baby step in a new place, and it’s opening doors to experiences and area knowledge.

On rare occasion, I pass on something that might be of interest. I do, after all, have only so much energy. But in back of my mind, I tell myself, remember, it’s the chances not taken that we regret. And I get up and just say yes.